I almost didn’t write this post, because I’m afraid you’ll have trouble believing this really happened. But, really, these folks are too funny not to share.

On Saturday, Don was busy in a meeting, and I had read all the magazines I brought, and there was nothing good on TV. So, I hopped on the bus…and went shopping! I did a little damage and called the bus to come and get me. (These are small vans that have seats down each side and across the back). When it got there, it was full, and I had to go to the seats across the back. We stopped and let all those folks out at the beach. And, I thought I was going to have a quiet ride back. BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE! here comes a family of 8…not intending to miss this bus–no matter what! And, friends, it took me about 30 seconds to realize the ‘crazies’ had found me…and were riding on my bus! The door closed behind them…and off we went!

First to speak was the little boy…around first grade. His arms were folded and his lips were poked out. When he realized that no one was paying him any attention, he said,” Yeah, that’s right! I’m mad as he**!” Well! My eyes popped, and I thought that if that had been one of mine, he would be walking his sassy self back to the motel! His Daddy thought that was highly entertaining and very funny. His Grandaddy stood up and walked over to him, pulled him up and swatted him on the rear. Then he looked at him and said, You apologize to that lady, right now!” And, he was pointing at ME! (I didn’t want an apology…I didn’t want to even be on this bus!) Grandaddy continued…”You ain’t no hooligan, and you ain’t no bad boy…but, you sure is rude! Now apologize before I have them stop this bus.” The boy grudgingly said that he was sorry, and then, he tried to stomp in the aisle…so we would all know he was mad ,as well as being embarrassed. At that exact moment the bus hit a bump…and he went flying over his sister’s feet, and landed in his Mother’s lap.

OH! MY! She jumped up and started yelling, “Get offa me, boy…you know I’ve got the vertical. And you’s gonna get it, too if you don’t get move!” She pushed him then and he landed on the floor of the bus.

{Friends, this family of 8, and myself were the only ones on the bus. And, I really did not know whether I should get off and walk the 3 miles back to the hotel or just sit veeeeeery still and hope they forgot I was there. ………..Also…what exactly IS ‘vertical’? Well, she had it , and she had it bad!}

The boy got up, and began easing his way toward the back of the bus where I was sitting very quietly. He sat down beside me. Which was a mite scary…cause I knew he had a streak of the meanness in him, and if Grandaddy got started again, I didn’t want to be too close. There was a stream of blood running from his knee, going in 2 directions when it hit the top of his foot. I turned to him and said, “Did you hurt yourself when you fell?” He nodded his head. He was near tears, and no one from his family said anything to him. I looked in my purse and found a tissue and a bandaid and asked his Mother if it was OK for him to have it. She said, “I don’t care.” I fixed the bandaid and put it on his knee. And, he said, “Thank-you.” I said, “You are very welcome. And, thank you for apologizing for saying what you did. I really don’t think words like that are very nice.”

Just then his Daddy (who looked amazingly like Sn**p D*gg. Yes, there is really someone with that name) said, “Ro-berta, sit up straight, you getting me hot!” WELL!!! She said, “I can’t help it. You know I’m taking medication pills…I’m sick and and you ain’t helping me none.” Then, Grandaddy said, “Baby girl, you come on back home and I’ll get you to a good doctor and your Mama will take care of you.” “Daddy, you know I ain’t coming home, I’m staying with my husband,” she said. Grandmother piped up now and said, ” And,I ain’t fixing to take care of her…she got herself into this d*** mess, she can d*** sure get herself out.” (Wonder where Little Boy learned to talk?) Grandaddy said to Ro-berta, “You know he’s what gave you that verticalization in the first place!”

[Throughout this whole strange episode, the two baby sisters and the older sister were having a grand ole time. They all 3 had T**tsie R*ll P*ps. Yum-my! They were having a science lesson of sorts. JUST HOW STICKY DOES A T**TSIE R*LL P*P GET WHEN YOU ROLL IT DOWN YOUR LEG…AND IN YOUR HAIR…AND YOUR SISTER’S HAIR! At least they weren’t cussing. And, actually, this was pretty tame behavior considering their lineage!!!] But, the real show is back with Ro-berta…
Then, people, she stood up. And then she fell down…into the aisle. “Somebody help me. I’m stuck here on this bus with all you stupid people who don’t even know I’m a sick woman!” Daddy got on one side and Hubby got on the other, and they pulled her up, and deposited her back on the seat next to Snoop. I moved to the far back corner in an attempt to stay clear of whatever came next.
The boy who had moved with me, said to me, “They’s all crazy. Just crazy.” And, I really felt sorry for the little fella…for about 10 seconds. Then he leaned over and whispered to me…”and there ain’t no snow in Desitin!” Yes, he said ‘Desitin.’
O. Sweet. Pickles. I know this is some kind of test from the Lord above…just wanting to see if I’ll crack! I was feeling quite close at that moment!
Little boy was still looking at me. I said, “No. No, you’re right. There is not any snow here in Destin.” He said, “Is there ever any snow here?” “No, there’s not. It is too far south for it to snow here,” I said. And for the life of me I could not remember if it snowed here when it snowed in Dothan. But, I didn’t say anymore than I had to. Then he said, “They told me we was coming to ‘Desitin’ to see the snow. I been looking for it.” Now, I was back feeling sorry for him. They were messing with his mind. They had suceeded…he was properly confused…….It was only 87 degrees. Snow weather.

Little boy then said, “My Mama is sick…the doctor says she has the ‘vertical’. “I’m sorry” I said, “but, I really don’t know what that is.” Now, here’s where I should have just kept my mouth shut…but I felt like I was already so involved in their lives…and, y’all, I could not help myself. “Roberta, that sounds pretty bad,” I said, “what exactly did the doctor tell you.” {Why. No, I did not feel like I was being nosy. I knew more about them than I ever cared to know, already.}
She said,”Well, he put me in a MRI and it banged around on my brain. But, he said it was OK. Then, he stuck needles in my legs and my b*tt, and said I was having ‘nervous damage.’ He gave me some medication pills. Said I had the vertical. I get real dizzy, and the room starts spinning. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.” AHA! I put all the clues together. “Did he call it Vertigo? ” I asked. “Yep, that’s what he said, ” she said.

“Well, you will be fine if you just take your medicine,” I said. Just keep on taking it and be careful not to fall.” That dumb ole husband looked up then and said, “She better be able to cook my supper and keep up the house. I ain’t caring if she’s got vertical or not!”

This made me mad.

I knew I would be getting out soon . I looked at the boy and said, “You help your Mama, and let her rest and she will get better a lot quicker.” “Yes, Ma’am, I will,” he said. And, I walked to the door before I said anything else . When the door opened, I looked at the hubby and said, “I’m a nurse. And, I have known a lot of people who have had vertigo. I even had it once myself. It takes a lot of rest to get better. So, that means YOU have to clean the house, and YOU have to cook supper…and YOU have to take care of the children till she gets better!
His mouth fell open…
I got off the bus…hurried inside and ducked into the nearest restroom…in case they were coming after me.
By this time, I didn’t know if I was still mad…scared…or a little bit of both. But, I DID know one thing—I was glad they were ON the bus, and I was OFF!

I do not condone the use of bad language, but, I thought you needed to hear ALL the things that were said on this strange ride in ‘Desitin’. And, I really did get a degree in nursing.