Crazy word? Ever heard it before? Well, here you go:
And, that is what I have had for the last few weeks. Why? Because it was time for my 6 month mammogram. Almost exactly two years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Words you never think will apply to you. Until they do.
I had surgery, radiation, and chemo. I have been on oral chemo for two years and will continue for three more years. Which I abhor because the side effects are so bothersome. My doctor said many women will give up before the five years. Not me…I will tough it out till the end.
Back to the scanxiety…I know all the things people say about ‘not worrying‘, and ‘I’m sure it will all be fine‘, even, ‘God has this under control‘. But, if you have ever heard the words “I’m sorry to tell you but, the biopsy we took showed that you do have breast cancer”come over the phone into your ear, then you know the fear there is that you will hear those words again. Or something very similar. So you try to not think about it. And you try to think positive. And you try not to worry. And, you really do try to give it to God.
But, it hovers on the fringes of your mind and chooses inopportune moments to say,”Hey, guess what’s coming up next week?”
Well, I had my mammogram today…bright and early this morning. After I left, I went by Don’s office and he took me to lunch. On the way there, the report came. NO MALIGNANCY SEEN. Oh, the relief!
And, most of all, the reminder that God did have it all in His hands. He always does. He always is looking out for me and leading me on the path He choose for me to walk. I have to remind myself that today, His plan was for me to be cancer free. But, that may not always be the outcome. Someday, the scans may show something I don’t want to think about.
But, should that happen, it will still be in His hands…it will still be the path He laid out for me to walk. I trust my God to walk with me down every path I take. I trust and believe with all my heart that He wants only good things for me. And, it is so easy to write this on the other side of my mammogram today…why do I get bogged down with worry and concern when I KNOW he is in charge? I believe my faith is strong…but I falter. Do you? Do you get ashamed of yourself for having these moments of fear and worry? I think our good, good Father knows our weaknesses and our failures…and He understands. He made us and He knows what is deep inside our hearts. He knows what we really believe. And, He forgives us for not trusting as we should..and loves us all the more.
Oh, how true that is! And, I know that I know that it is true. One of my favorite books is out of print now, but the title is Faith is Not a Feeling by Ney Bailey. I read it and reread it often. Faith is believing with my will that God is caring for me, even when my feelings say otherwise. It is saying, “No matter what my feelings are saying to me, I choose to believe what God has promised!
So, for those sisters of mine who are newly diagnosed, or, like me, in the the midst of the 5 year window, or those who have survived and moved on…I feel a kinship with you and I pray your faith remains strong. And, if you should falter in your strength and resolve…God understands. And, He loves us, fully and completely, as we travel this path.