I went to the mall today to look for a dress to wear to my niece’s wedding. While there, I uncovered an evil plot. Actually, it’s a crime against all the women in my town. I checked the newspaper…and listened to the evening news, but so far it has gone unreported. Surely, I can’t be the only one that has noticed. Maybe there is some kind of cover-up going on, but, I care too much about your pride and dignity to go along with that…so, I’m just gonna tell it like it is…let the cat out of the bag…spill the beans, etc.


Apparently, a roving band of criminals has broken into the local mall with the intent of causing anguish and distress to the female population of our fair city. At some time during the recent past, said criminals have entered the stores known to carry female fashion……and CHANGED THE TAGS ON EVERY SINGLE ITEM OF CLOTHING TO A SMALLER SIZE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS. This has caused much ‘wailing and gnashing of teeth’ among the fashion forward women seeking to adorn themselves with the latest in trendy outerwear. (As this reporter did not actually venture into the underwear section, it is highly possible that it could be in the same sorry state.)

To illustrate the seriousness of this situation, let me describe for you a scene I witnessed with my own eyes. A very classy looking, younger middle-aged lady was shopping in the dress department. She was accompanied by a older, shorter,very classy looking lady. They both had an armload of cute and stylish dresses, any one of which would be perfect for that summer wedding or other dressy event. They were even talking, as they entered the dressing rooms, of the color shoes they would need to accent the stylish frocks. Very fashion forward ladies, indeed! Soon, a rumbling of discontent could be heard from behind the closed door. “This one must be sized wrong…I can always wear a size 4. It must have the wrong tag.” A few minutes of silence…then…”This one will not go past my hips…help me pull it off! Hurry! I can’t breathe!” Silence. “What are the odds that we would have picked up 2 dresses with the wrong size tags? Here, zip me up. OW! That’s my skin!… I AM sucking it in!” I could not hear the next words…but, these are the ones that followed…”NO…I do NOT want you to go and get me a larger size! I have always been a size 4…and nothing’s changed. Just give me the next one.” Sound of a zipper…then…”Dang! Just give me my jeans…I’m going to report this to the manager.” The other lady said, “That may not be the best idea.”

I didn’t wait around to hear anymore…it was just too painful. I rushed out of the store to report this crime. (I had to! I won the Good Citizenship Award in 4th grade). I can only imagine what it must feel like to try on dresses in your size and have them all be too small….JUST BECAUSE SOME SO AND SO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO FREAK OUT UNSUSPECTING LADIES IN THE STORE BY CHANGING THE TAGS ON EACH AND EVERY ITEM!

(Actual sizes may have been changed to protect the identity of those trying on said dresses.)