I’ve always been honest with you souls who choose to read what comes out of my heart. It has always been a wonder to me that anyone would want to read what my ‘pitiful typing’ fingers eek out. It’s always been amazing to me, as well, that I have a need to write down certain things and share it with folks I’ll never know…except through a little blurb where they make a comment at the end of an essay. So I find my self saying “thank you” for reading and I hope that whatever I have written has glorified God and eased your own burden by knowing someone else has gone through the same.
To be perfctly hones, this is thstate fo mmy tyin fingers at the moment…Not to good, but i will fisit for you.
This has been a difficult week for me. Several things have happened all at once, as they usually tend to do in my life. First, my sister has been really sick with the ‘crud’. (if you’re from anywhere around at all, you know the crud). I worry more about my daddy when she is sick. She is an excellent care giver to him and has played the major role since Mom moved to Heaven. I am available and do what I can, but Pop wants her. Not that he doesn’t want me..he just loves her best. Not that he loves her best…she caters to whatever he wants!
So, Joy has been sick, and Daddy is 91, and my sweet Alex has had an awful few weeks. He has been in such pain. And, I have been going to physical therapy for my back and hips trying to persuade them to not act their age and perform better for me. My youngest, Ian, passed two kidney stones last week. I have taught 2 art classes this week which is a joy, and I am helping my DIL prepare gifts for children in Levi’s class in school. Levi has stayed with me two days this week, and Adam, my eldest, had major eye surgery in Birmingham on Thursday.
I am not even going to go into the list of health issues my children have. The numbers are many and you may say I exaggerate. But, I don’t. One of the things they all suffer with is poor eyesight. Especially Alex and Adam. Alex has had several surgeries to treat some of his issues…but, still has nystagmus, which is an eye that is moving up and down all the time…or left and right…and last year lost a major portion of one eye to macular degeneration. Adam’s eyes have always given him terrible trouble. He also had a bout with a torn retina. It took 2 or 3 surgeries to fix it. They put what is called a ‘buckle’ into the eye to stabilize it. But, now the major eye muscle has grown into the buckle and caused him to have double vision. They went in with high expectations from the doctor that it would be fixed. And…it wasn’t. They did everything they were supposed to do..but it is not working. They are hoping and we are praying that the muscle will strengthen and begin to work again. This would be a ‘best case scenario’. If not…we don’t know what is next…there is more surgical intervention possible…or we may wait and see.
As you can imagine,this has been hard to take and sad news for us all. As those of you who are parents know…it matters not the age our children attain…they are always our little ones and they are always cared for now as they were then.
I was bemoaning my state of mind to Jesus last night. I just thought I would tell Him again how disappointed I was. And, ask Him to please consider touching Adam’s eyes with His Healing Hands, if He saw fit. I told Him we loved and honored Him whatever He did or didn’t do. And, that our faith was strong. He was always our God and our Strong Hold.
And, then I told him I was also sad because I wanted to talk this over with Mom. I miss her everyday. I do not grieve her as I once did…but I miss her so much. I asked him to tell her hello for me and kiss her for me.
And, then I went to sleep. Not a peaceful sleep…but a fitful sleep. I kept waking up and wondering why the clock was moving so slowly. I wondered why this seemed like such a long night. Then I began to dream. It was one of those strange dreams that are so weird you wake up and wonder why in the world you are dreaming this. That ever happen to you? Please say yes…I don’t want to be the only one with strange dreams!!!
Joy and I were preparing to go on a trip. She was packed and so was I. But she didn’t like the shoes I was wearing. She told me they would not be comfortable. I don’t know why she said that because I was wearing grocery bags on both feet and kept trying to stuff both of them with fallen leaves and such to keep my feet warm. (WEIRD !!!! I told ya!) So I got into my suitcase and brought out a pair of mid calf red leather boots with an unusual design around the laces. They laced up the front like men’s work boots, but they were of nice leather, and had heels. (NO. no, I do not have any boots that even remotely sound like that)!
I put them on and it was time to leave. We hurried to get aboard the train…kinda like you see in old movies where the train is leaving the station and folks hop on at the open doors in the side. That’s what we did. Though I know i couldn’t do that in real life…it was exhilarating in my dream. As we hurried to our seats…we noticed a large group of our loved ones standing there to tell us bye. They hugged and kissed us and hopped off the train. I do not remember any of the faces. Until the last one. It was my mom! And she took my head in her hands and kissed me square on the lips and said, “I love you forever.” Then she disappeared. She didn’t jump off the train…she was just gone. I don’t even know if Joy got to see her. But, then there was Daddy leaning against the front window by the door. He didn’t look like my daddy, but that’s who it was. He said, “Be careful girl’s” and hopped off the train, as well.
I immediately woke up and thought, “I just kissed my Mom!” I just kissed my Mom!” Then I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and when I awoke the second time, the dream was just as vivid!
Now I, for one, have been comforted by many things in my life. Sometimes it is a distinct presence of the Lord. Other times it has been a scripture verse, a picture, an animal, the words of a friend, or just a passing thought. God will comfort us…He promises us that. And, I guess he can use whatever He thinks will work the best at the time. Last night, he used a dream!
And, she was just as beautiful as ever!
Thank you for sharing raw, honest, true feelings from your heart. I thank you for letting others read them. This post touched me deeply. Praying for your family to be blessed mightily.
Dog gone girl! Why do your words make my eyes water so! I am so encouraged by you!
Praying for you and your family. Don’t we have trials? But God answers prayers.
what a sweet post and I could tell it was straight from your heart! Praying for you and your family! God gives the toughest battles to the ones He knows can handle them best, and others benefit from your trials! ( I know… wish sometimes He didn't trust you so much, huh?) You show others how to push through the pain and keep on trusting the One who knows the desires of our heart. God bless you, sweet Tonja, and your family. It'll all be worth it when we see His Face!!! ( I, too, have had "dreams/visits" that ease the pain… but make me want to dream more)
Tonja, sometimes the multitude of things that cause pain and worry all at the same time seem too much to bear. I have been there and I am so sorry that you are there now. Immersing myself in music that brings me into God's presence is the only way I know to survive those times. There are certain phrases of songs that I sing over situations and people as they come to my mind.
And what a dream!! Both hilarious and PRECIOUS!!!! Love you, Tonja!
Much prayer for all of you!