Posts Tagged "Funny Folk"

SHOPPER? CLERK? ADVISOR?

This is a post I wrote 2 weeks ago, but have not had time to get it ready to publish until now…and it’s just too good not to share with you! Enjoy!

My day got started early, I met 2 sweet friends for breakfast. We try to get together as often as we can…but it had been 9 weeks since we were together. So…we were there for about 3 hours! Catching up with one another is such fun! All of our children are around the same ages, and were friends growing up. So, we had to hear about each one…and discuss what they needed to do. Between us we have 5 that are still not married….and 3 that are. There’s a wedding for one and 2 granchildren, and a new baby coming for one. Much to figure out!

Thought about stopping at TJ M*xx, but then thought better of it. I had a fun trip coming up soon…and I needed to save my money. However, I did stop in at Belk to see if I could find something really cute to wear on my trip. And, that’s where this episode begins…..

I looked in different areas of the store and gathered up several things to try on. I then walked over to a rack of pants in the petite section and there she was. I knew she was the one and that she was just ‘itching’ to talk. She had a twinkle in her eyes, and she was telling her son exactly what she expected him to do! A little, bitty old lady, who wanted some pants. Her son was trying to help her…and kept bringing her size 14 and 12…and she may have worn a 4! So, when she saw me, she latched on to me, and asked me to help her find her size. “Hey, Hon, would you mind helping me find my size?” She wanted a pair of brown tweed like pattern. She couldn’t find them…nor could I.

I had several things in my hands and she looked at me and said, “Honey, go on and put that stuff down. You can’t help me with your hands full.”

Well, I did not want to lose my things I had gathered…but I could tell she was one of those ladies who expect to be obeyed…by everyone! And, besides, I knew she was going to make a good blog post!

LBL (Little Bitty Lady)……”Now, this here’s the ones I want. These ‘Coronet’ ones. I want this brown pair, and I want a size 6. And, I Do Not Want those vile pants that come way on down where no eyes should be.” (She pointed to the area right below her navel) I tried on a pair of them kind, and I was pure ashamed they even had them in the store. And, I was ashamed I tried them on, but I didn’t know.”

T…..I know. It’s sad that anybody would even want to wear pants like that.

LBL…laughing) You should have seen it! Hon, I looked like a ‘dime store hussy’.

***What is a ‘dime store hussy’? I have no idea. I think a hussy is a woman with low morals…but what has the dime store got to do with it? Oh, the things I learn when I go out and about.***I think I’ll use that phrase again…it fits on so many levels!***

T…..Ma’am, they don’t have those in your size. Don’t you think you could wear a size 4? (she was tiny)

LBL…..I don’t want no tight pants on me…showing my rolls and all. Don’t want no body thinking I’m no ‘you-know-what’.

T……Dime store hussy?

She nodded and laughed behind her hand.

T…..O K, I understand. Let’s look over here. Could you use them in a houndstooth?

LBL…..A WHAT?????

T……This black and white pattern is called hounds tooth.

LBL….Nope, needin’ me some brown pants. And, don’t get me none that don’t have something to match with them. I don’t want to have to come back out here and go searching all over for a sweater. Just look for some brown ones in that ‘Coronet’. They have good matches.

T……You sound just like my Mama did. She wanted to get something to match them right then! She said you never could find something if you came back. She was about your size, too.

Her son had been watching us and he felt embarressed by all she was doing and saying.

R…..Mama, this lady has got her own shopping to do. I’ll help you find your pants. I’m sure she needs to go.

LBL…..Honey, you busy?

T…Well, I have a little time free right now.

LBL…..Sit down Roy, she says she can help me. Just sit down.

He did.

T…..Ma’am…

LBL…..Name’s Esther

T…..Mrs. Esther, I don’t know about the ‘Coronet’ brand. I don’t think I’ve ever seen those anywhere. Can you show me where they are?

LBL……Well, Honey, they’s right there. And, they’s in every store you go in. Where you been shoppin?

I walked over to the rack where she was pointing…..and checked the labels. Sure enough…”Coronet’. Only they spelled it KORET !

I found her a pair of brown pants,and a sweater to match. And, I picked up another pair and a top to match and showed them to her.

LBL…..Don’t need but one outfit….can’t afford but one.

Roy…Mama, I told you to buy anything you want. You just go ahead and buy both outfits. I’m paying today.

LBL…..Well, you need to be saving yore money for them young’uns.

T….Now, Mrs. Esther, if he wants to buy you 2 outfits, you get 2 outfits. It will make him happy! Besides, you should never keep a man from spending money on you! That’s a rule I learned a long time ago!

LBL….Well, we’ll see. Now, Hon, do those have elastic all the way around? Cause some times they just put it on the sides. Some ‘darn fool’ had that bright idea. I want it to go all around so they don’t fall down! You didn’t get none of that ‘jungle cat’ stuff, did you? (she meant leopard print)

T…..Yes, Ma’am, they have elastic all the way around. No, Mam, no jungle cat. Now do you need to try these on?

LBL…..Are they ‘Coronets’ ?

T…..Yes, Mam, that’s what it says.

LBL…No, they’ll do. I just don’t know if I’ll need 2 outfits.

T…..Well, think about it, Mrs. Esther, there are lots of things going on this time of year. Parties and special things at church. You know Thanksgiving is coming soon, and then Christmas. And, if you don’t need it before then, just think…you can have a new outfit to wear on Christmas Day!

I thought that sounded like a grand idea.

LBL…..I don’t think anybody cares about what an old lady wears on Christmas Day.

T……Now, Mrs. Esther, I can tell you like to look nice. You look so pretty today, everything matches! And, I bet you went to the Beauty Parlor yesterday, too. And, besides, Roy would be real happy to know you were wearing one of the outfits he bought you on Christmas.

LBL…. Yeah, Lucille gave me a perm yesterday. Got it too tight if you ask me. OK, I’ll get ’em both. You been real nice, helping me. You know men just ain’t much use in a store. They’s better out in the yard.

T…..Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more, Mrs. Esther.

LBL……Roy, get that woman’s stuff for her, and let’s get paid and get on outta this place.

Roy went over to retrieve my things.

LBL…..Hang on now, Hon, I’m gonna see if Roy will pay for your things, too!

T…..No,I haven’t even tried them on yet. I still want to look around some.

LBL…..OKaaaay. You might find some stuff for you in the ‘Coronet’ things. They shore wear good. But, you’ll need a bigger size than me. I don’t know if they have that size here in the Petites.

I was thinking now, that maybe I could drop kick her over into the underwear and bra area and let her try to get herself out of there in one piece!! (Just kidding….sorta, kinda) 🙂

T…I’ll find something. You and Roy have a good afternoon.

And, with that, I took the things I had planned to try on…put them back on the rack…and jogged twice around the mall before I went home!

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